“Have You Tried Praying?” And Other Things Never to Say to Someone in Crisis
You’ve finally mustered the courage to share the weight you’ve been carrying. The crushing anxiety, the gray fog of depression, the terrifying whisper of suicidal thoughts. You’re met with a concerned face, a sympathetic nod, and then… the words.
“Have you tried praying about it?”
“It’s all part of God’s plan.”
“God only gives you what He knows you can handle.”
The floor drops out from under you. In that moment, your raw, personal agony is met not with connection, but with a spiritual prescription. Your pain is reframed as a test of faith, your suffering as a divine curriculum. The profound loneliness you felt before speaking up now feels magnified tenfold. As one Reddit user expressed with raw frustration: “Those suffering do not need you to peddle your beliefs onto them, or your assumed answers to their own mental health.”
This article is for anyone who has ever felt alienated by well-meaning but harmful advice during their darkest hours. It’s also a guide for allies, family members, and friends who desperately want to help but may not realize how their words land. We’ll explore why these phrases hurt so deeply, validate your anger and pain, and provide a new script for genuine, supportive communication that fosters healing instead of isolation.
Why “Good Intentions” Can Cause Real Harm
When someone offers a religious platitude in response to your mental health crisis, they are almost always coming from a place of love, concern, and their own framework for understanding suffering. The problem isn’t the intention; it’s the impact. These statements, however kindly meant, often function as “conversation enders” that invalidate the individual’s experience.
The Mechanics of Invalidation
Invalidation occurs when a person’s internal experience is denied, judged, or minimized. Phrases like “God’s plan” or “this is a test” can have this exact effect by:
- Spiritualizing Pain: It takes a tangible, psychological, and often medical reality (depression, anxiety, trauma) and places it solely in a spiritual realm. This can make a person feel that their very real suffering is being dismissed as a lack of faith or a moral failing. As one commenter bitterly noted: “It’s all gods plan’… like seriously get f*ed.”
- Implying a Simple Solution: Suggesting prayer as the primary solution implies that the complex, multifaceted nature of mental illness can be solved with a single, simple act. It ignores the potential need for therapy, medication, lifestyle changes, and community support.
- Creating Isolation: If the sufferer doesn’t share that specific faith, or is angry at God, they now feel even more alone. They can’t connect with the offered “solution,” creating a new layer of separation from the person trying to help.
- Shifting Responsibility: “God only gives you what you can handle” subtly suggests that the suffering is not only divinely ordained but that enduring it is the individual’s responsibility to bear. This can compound feelings of guilt and shame for struggling under the weight.
Real-World Impact: Consider the parent from our examples, desperately worried about their 20-year-old son who stays in his room 24/7. If a family member says, “Just pray for him, God will show him the way,” it invalidates the parent’s daily struggle, the son’s potential depression, and the need for professional intervention. The problem is framed as a spiritual deficit, not a potential mental health crisis requiring nuanced care.
The Power of Validation: What to Say Instead
If “solutioneering” with religious advice shuts people down, validation opens the door to connection. Validation is the act of acknowledging and accepting another person’s internal experience as real and understandable. It says, “Your feelings make sense. I see you. I hear you.”
Validation does not mean you agree with every thought (like suicidal ideation), but it accepts that the feeling behind it is real and painful. This is the single most powerful tool you can use when someone is in crisis.
Scripts for Supportive Communication (For Allies)
Replace the unhelpful phrases with these validating responses:
| Instead of Saying… | Try Saying… | Why It Works |
|---|---|---|
| “Have you tried praying?” | “That sounds incredibly hard. I’m so sorry you’re carrying this.” | Acknowledges the pain without prescribing a fix. |
| “It’s God’s plan.” | “I can’t imagine how painful this must be for you.” | Focuses on their experience, not an abstract plan. |
| “You just need more faith.” | “Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me this.” | Honors their vulnerability and builds trust. |
| “Everything happens for a reason.” | “I don’t know why this is happening, but I’m here with you.” | Offers companionship in uncertainty instead of false certainty. |
| “Let me pray for you.” (Unsolicited) | “How can I support you right now? Would it be helpful if I just listened?” | Gives them control and asks for their preference. |
The Core Principles:
* Listen to understand, not to respond. Your goal is not to have an answer.
* Reflect their feelings. “It makes complete sense that you feel overwhelmed.”
* Ask open-ended questions. “What does this feel like for you?” or “What has this been like?”
* Normalize their experience. “Anyone going through what you are would be struggling.”
Navigating Family & Cultural Pressures (For the Person in Crisis)
When harmful advice comes from parents, close family, or your religious community, the hurt is deeper and the pressure is immense. You may love these people and value your community, yet feel betrayed by their response.
Strategies for Setting Boundaries
- Identify Your Goal: Are you seeking understanding, or do you just need them to stop giving advice? Often, shifting the goal from “make them understand” to “protect my peace” is more achievable.
- Use “I” Statements: This focuses on your experience and reduces defensiveness.
- “I know you’re coming from a place of love when you suggest prayer, but when I’m in that dark place, it makes me feel like my pain isn’t being heard.”
- “I feel most supported when I can just vent without getting advice.”
- Offer an Alternative: Give them a concrete way to help that aligns with your needs.
- “Prayer is personal for me right now. What would really help is if you could [make a meal, watch the kids for an hour, just sit with me].”
- “My therapist and I are working on a plan. The best way to support that plan is to…”
- Limit Exposure if Necessary: For your own well-being, it may be necessary to limit conversations about your mental health with certain individuals. You can say, “I’m not in a place to discuss this right now, but I appreciate your concern.”
- Seek Your Chosen Family: Find support elsewhere—in a therapist, a support group (like those on Reddit where people share sentiments like “I miss my old life”), or friends who practice validation. Their understanding can buffer the pain from unsupportive family.
Remember: You are not responsible for managing their discomfort about your illness. Your primary responsibility is to your own healing.
For Allies: How to Support Someone’s Chosen Path to Healing
True support means championing their journey, not insisting on your own map.
How to Redirect the Conversation Supportively
- Ask, Don’t Assume: “What has been helpful for you so far?” or “What kind of support are you looking for from me?”
- Educate Yourself on Their Tools: If they mention therapy (CBT, DBT, EMDR), medication, or mindfulness, take 10 minutes to read a basic article about it. This shows you respect their chosen path. You could say, “I read a little about CBT after you mentioned it. It sounds like it involves some practical skills for managing thoughts. How is that going?”
- Bridge the Gap (If Appropriate): If faith is important to both of you, you can frame support in an inclusive way. “I’m praying for your strength and for wisdom for your doctor/therapist.” This supports the medical intervention without replacing it.
- Be a Practical Advocate: Help with logistics—finding a therapist, driving to an appointment, researching support groups. This is tangible love that transcends philosophical differences.
- Check Your Ego: The goal is their recovery, not proving your worldview is correct. If they get better through therapy and not through a prayer circle you organized, that is still a victory.
Conclusion: Building Bridges, Not Walls
The chasm that opens when someone in crisis hears “Have you tried praying?” isn’t just about religion. It’s about the fundamental human need to have our suffering witnessed and held, not explained away or outsourced to a higher power. The comments from those grieving a lost past—“Life after 2020 just feels so horrible”—speak to a pain that needs presence, not platitudes.
If you are in crisis and have been hurt by these words, your anger and sense of alienation are valid. Your pain is real, it matters, and it deserves care that feels right for you—whether that includes faith, therapy, medicine, or all of the above.
If you are an ally wanting to help, remember: your presence is more powerful than your prescription. Your quiet listening is more sacred than any recited verse. By swapping solutioneering for validation, you become a safe harbor in someone’s storm. You build a bridge of “me too” instead of a wall of “you should.”
Call to Action:
* If you’re struggling: Reach out to a professional who is trained to validate and help. The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline offers 24/7, free, confidential support.
* If you want to be a better ally: Practice validation this week. With a friend, family member, or even in a low-stakes conversation, focus entirely on reflecting their feelings without offering advice. Notice the difference it makes.
Healing happens in the space where we feel truly seen. Let’s commit to creating more of that space for one another.